Inner Peace

After hanging up the phone, I stared at the dirty dishes, the messy living room and the unfolded clothes on top on the chair for thirty minutes. My mind is literally flat from the not-so-concluded argument on the phone. I am mad, frustrated and exhausted.

The past few days, I can’t get myself to put my thoughts into writing because I can’t think of anything rather my undying stress. With two toddlers at home, I can’t say that a chore has an end. This year, I would like to accomplish a lot of things and one of which is to religiously update this blog to keep my mind on track. But I can’t seem to compose my thoughts because of so many things that cloud my judgment that coupled with worries and stress. I want also to start a study time routine for my kids in preparation for their pre-school (homeschooling). 

Few years back, when things are stressing me out, I can just call a friend and have chitchat over a coffee and ease the worries away also by window-shopping. But things have changed. I can no longer drag my friends to have a coffee with me and cannot just go out whenever I want to. For one, most of my closest friends are already mommies too and most of them are overseas, so it’s way too impossible for me to get an answer in an instant considering the time zone. Second, I have already my family; I should turn to Boboy whenever things keep me worried. But because he has a lot of things on his plate at the moment, I kept it to myself (I know I’m wrong)! Then, I tend to get cranky be unhappy whenever it crosses my mind. I must admit that I am a worrier and I guess it’s normal for a mom like me because I only wanted to secure life ahead (have never been). Again, it dawned on me that if there’s one thing that is constant; change. No matter how I hold the future in my hands I can never hold it for my children.

The past days, life has always been about me. I only get to determine my exhaustion. What about my children? What about Boboy? They are stressed too and not just me. I can tell how much my kids are anxious whenever I am unhappy. But whenever Dodo would ask me if I am happy or sad, I know that he worries about me too. The 30-minute foot spa would make me sane again but then, it’s just a rough sole. It isn’t even terminal to the point that would affect my walking, no one would see it anyway except me. I admit I have been bugging Boboy about having my me-time but I haven’t thought of the everyday stress he encounters on the road and in the office plus my never-ending bugging him of petty things at home adds up to it. He asked me lastweek, "why do you want to go out?" My thought was, I just want a rebreather for being at home the whole time and unwind a bit. But yeah, no matter how I wanted to go out, I would rather savor the moments that he is not busy and at home spending time with us because work has been eating most of his time.

Having too much in mind, I tend to compromise the spontaneous bliss that should’ve been. I tend to accommodate unhappy thoughts and throw tantrums whenever I see fit. I am wrong. I wallow so much on things that are yet to come. At some point, I have to unload the burden and just let it go. It has been a heavy burden to carry that I let people around me unhappy. I keep wishing to be happy without letting me think of the blessings that I already have. 

Let love and let God.